joke

[John Brown]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

.

.

.

This time, a little voice came out of the box,


"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[m22mike]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[John Brown]

Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He
was sick of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global
warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that
occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and
window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the
windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window
and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they
broke in, pulling Brad from the car. A little sip of water and,
surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead
battery.

[earntaz]

A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead s*x life.

After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening, she had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair.

After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view.

It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile.”


“Thank God!” he said, ” I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

He never saw her glass of wine coming.