joke

[Lee Stewart]

[earntaz]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddagh duff,
Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard.
"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[earntaz]

Apparently I’m banned from the local Walmart. They've kept good records on me I guess!! I'm okay with that though!

I just received this letter from Walmart’s corporate office:

Dear Mr. TAZ

Over the past several months you have caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: You took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: You set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: You made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: you walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: You went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: You moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

8. August 18: When a clerk asked if they could help you, you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called...

9. August 21: you looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose.

10. August 26: While handling guns in the hunting department, you asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. Aug 28: You darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. Sept 3: In the auto department, you practiced your ‘Madonna look' by using different sized funnels.

13. Sept 5: you hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.Sept 6: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. Sept 7: You went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out

There is such seriousness in the world, I share these as we could all use a laugh.