joke

[Lee Stewart]

One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here’s something I have that you'll never have."

The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.

A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, "My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

[Lee Stewart]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.


She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?


''Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!


''Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster Mother , 540-yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'


'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'


'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'


'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.


'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'


So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.


'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'


Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'For Christ's sake you didn't miss the friggin putt, did you?'

[Lee Stewart]

[Charley Lillard]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children,needed to move because his rental agreementwas terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.When he said, he had 12 children. No one would rent a home to him because theyfelt that the children would destroy the place.He couldn't say he had no children,because he couldn't lie.We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.He took the remaining one with him tosee rental homes with the real estate agent.He loved one of the homes andthe price was right -- the agent asked:"How many children do you have?He answered: "Twelve."The agent asked, "Where are the others?"The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered“They're in the cemetery with their mother."

[earntaz]

Yep -- lawyers don't lie ... good one!!

[Lee Stewart]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"

[Charley Lillard]

A Lawyer/Senator and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The Lawyer-Senator is thinking that seniorsare so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.



So, the lawyer-senator asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer-senator persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer-senator quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer-senator asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer-senator.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer-senator, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer-senator uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer-senator is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer-senator $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Lee Stewart]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ....

So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.



There are two lessons here:



1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some people might think.

[earntaz]

Haaaaaaaaaaaa -- good one!!

[earntaz]

I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old Granddaughter and asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I ask her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obuma, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the president steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bull$hit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.