joke

[John Brown]

[Lynn]

What did Ted Kennedy say to Gary Hart during the 1984 primary campaign?

You get the girls; I'll drive.

[John Brown]

[Mr70]

...

[Mr70]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

[Steve Shauger]

.

[Too Many Projects]

I hope I NEVER get that old...

[Lee Stewart]

Gilberto is driving on a lonely backwoods road one night when his Lexus suddenly quits on him. Not being mechanically inclined, Gilberto sits in his car nervously, trying to figure out what he's going to do.

As he sits motionless, he catches something emerging from the bushes at the side of the road. Suddenly, someone knocks on his window, and when Gilberto turns, he sees an enormous Great Dane standing on his hind legs.

"Pop the hood," says the dog.

Thunderstruck, Gilberto just stares with mouth gaping at the enormous animal.

"Pop the hood," repeats the Great Dane.

Thinking of no alternative, Gilberto does as he's told.

The dog starts to work on the engine, and then says, "Start the car."

Gilberto tries the ignition, but nothing happens.

The Great Dane ducks back under the hood and tinkers some more. A minute later, the dog asks the man to try starting his car again. This time, the engine turns over.

Seemingly satisfied, the Great Dane firmly closes the hood and trots back into the roadside bushes.

Baffled, Gilberto drives until he finds a gas station sometime later. Seeing an attendant, he says, "Holy geez, you're not going to believe this, but I have to tell someone. My car died and this giant Great Dane came out of nowhere and fixed it."

The attendant goes pale as if he had seen a ghost. "Man," he says, "you have no idea how lucky you are."

"Why?" asks Gilberto.

"That dog isn't a mechanic," explains the attendant carefully. "He only patches tires."

[Lee Stewart]

Len walks into an auto parts store and says to the man at the counter, “I’d like new air freshener for my Yugo.”

The man thinks for a while and finally says, “OK, deal...that's a pretty decent trade.”

[Lee Stewart]

Marco is on his couch watching Monday Night Football when his wife, Jocelyn, comes into the living room.

"Babe," she asks, sweetly, "can you please take out the trash?"

"Seriously?" says Marco to his wife. "Do I look like a garbage man to you?"

Jocelyn sighs and leaves her husband to his TV.

By the third quarter, the game is really tight. That's when Jocelyn comes in again and says, "Babe, the outside light isn't coming on. Can you try changing the bulb?"

Annoyed, Marco responds, "Really now...do I look some household electrician?"

With that, his wife leaves him to watch the game.

The next day, Marco comes home from work and Jocelyn tells him, "Oh, I saw Trey from across the street and asked him to fix the light outside. It's working now."

"Trey?" says Marco, suspiciously. "He doesn't do anything unless he gets something in return. What did he ask for?"

Jocelyn says, "He said I could either sleep with him or make his favourite cocktail."

"OK. So what drink did you make him?"

"Honey," says his wife, "do I look like a bartender to you?"