joke

[HawkX66]

A man came in from a morning of fishing and parked his boat. He was beat so he took a nap. While he was sleeping his wife decided she'd take the boat out on the lake and do some reading.
She went to a nice little cove, anchored and started reading. Later, a Game Warden pulled up along side and asked her what she was doing. "Reading" she said while thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" The Game Warden said that she was in a restricted fishing area and that he was going to need to bring her in and ticket her. "I wasn't fishing, I was reading" she said. The Game Warden replied, "well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The woman said, "Fine, but when we go in I'm going to have to charge you with sexual assault." The Game Warden says, "But I haven't even touched you!" She looks at him and said, "Well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The Game Warden left her to read in peace...

[Vern B]

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: “We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!” He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
“I’ve been thinking. There’s no reason we can’t go for a month.” So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, “You know,
since the children are on their own, what’s stopping us from cruising the
world?”

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.

“You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don’t mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?”

[Lee Stewart]

A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses.

At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.

The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”

[Lee Stewart]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Lee Stewart]

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

[Lee Stewart]

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'

Seeking out the pastor He asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Denver , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia, upon entering a church in Powder Springs; Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call; Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now. You're in God's Country, It's a local call.'

[Charley Lillard]

a plane is on its way to toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up, & moves to the first class section and sits down.



the flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here.”





the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.





the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here.”





the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason.





the pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.





the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.



"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto "

[earntaz]

[Charley Lillard]

https://www.facebook.com/DonP/videos/1462801600451470/

[earntaz]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words... and don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.