George Carlin's New Rules for 2008

[m22mike]

These are all funny, Carlin's a nut.

New Rule: No more gift registries.

You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies, and new homes, and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost le ss than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavor ed water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people.

Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And, by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the [censored]. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge [censored].

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my "PIN" number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringi ng me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.

It's one of the seven deadly sins.. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember, the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And, I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than "minimum wage," then, for God's sake, don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

Mike

[ORIGLS6]

[ QUOTE ]
These are all funny, Carlin's a nut.

[/ QUOTE ]

Nope, he just sees where the world is headed and it pi$$es him off. Personally, I agree with him 100%!

[WILMASBOYL78]

I can still see him doing that skit on the "7 words you can't say on TV"....priceless stuff...he is one of the true masters of comedy!!

wilma

[1967 Impala]

New Rule.... stop rehashing old emails by just putting a new date on them and creiditing them to someone who does humour in that same vein.

Every year for the past three or so this email pops up from someone in my address book yes it funny and yes it all very true but man its getting stale


Pokith here to find out just what I mean

[VintageMusclecar]

I used to get a kick out of Carlin's stuff before he got so super-political and became so viciously hateful towards people of faith. Now I can't stand to listen to him.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy some coarse humor now and then (who doesn't laugh at a good fart joke??), but whatever happened to "clean" comedy? (Bill Cosby and Will Smith are the last two comedians I can think of who didn't rely on shock value for entertainment)

Eh.

Eric

[m22mike]

[ QUOTE ]
New Rule.... stop rehashing old emails

Oh S%$t, I'am busted !!

Mike

[WILMASBOYL78]

The re-stamp comedy police caught you....please stand in the corner for 25 minutes

wilma

[Motion Camaro]

[ QUOTE ]
.... Pokith here to find out just what I mean

[/ QUOTE ]




<font color="blue">Now that's funny sh*t </font>

[Keith Tedford]

Carlin has a routine on Youtube about man's place in the whole scheme of things. "Save the bees. Save the trees. Save the whales. Save the snails." He must read a lot and can sure put a different slant on things. He could take out most of the swearing and be just as entertaining. Red Skelton got along fine.

[Dog427435]

[ QUOTE ]
Red Skelton got along fine.

[/ QUOTE ]


Red Skelton!! - Now your showing your age Keith - I mentioned Buddy Hackett to a thirty something year old friend the other day and he looked at me like I had two heads!

They don't remember the Great ones anymore! We watched Red Skelton every week - Good night and God bless - imagine someone ending a show with that line today!